Aphodite's Faltering Gaze
by shebone01
Summary: A tale of two lovers (Sirius and Remus), their joys and their heartbreaks...spans from their days at Hogwarts till Order of the Phoenix (or will, at least)...to be cautious, there are some spoilers. Enjoy!
1. Aphrodite and the Fat Lady

I. APHRODITE AND THE FAT LADY  
  
"I'm sure this looks rather suspicious, but trust me: it's not," Sirius said, cupping Remus's face in his hands. Sirius touched the knot that turned off the Whomping Willow with a branch. They slipped down the narrow passageway, closing the door to the Shrieking Shack.  
  
"Sirius, this is too dangerous," Remus gasped, but Sirius still clutched his hand. Remus sighed.  
  
"Aphrodite watches lovers when the full moon rises," Sirius said.  
  
"Do we count?"  
  
"Of course," Sirius said, "why wouldn't we?"  
  
"Well, I'm a werewolf..."  
  
"I know that."  
  
Remus kissed his lover, full, like drinking a glass of coffee mixed with milk. The two wizards began to slip off their robes, but at that moment, Remus doubled over. The change had begun.  
  
"Leave...Sirius," Remus struggled to speak, "I'll be okay."  
  
Sirius ran a finger down Remus's curving back. With a pop, he became a black shaggy dog. Remus, almost in animal form, gasped in surprise. If Sirius was an animal, Remus couldn't hurt him...  
  
As his bones cracked and his flesh melted, Remus could taste the love he held for Sirius in the shallow layer of blood that covered his tongue from biting it.  
  
***  
  
Hogwarts was not a school to keep a secret. James woke up from a nervous dream filled with ravenous wolves. He opened the curtain surrounding his four-poster and put his feet on the cool stone floor. Moonlight streamed in the window, washing his pasty face. He heard Peter stirring uncomfortably.  
  
He noticed that the room was otherwise silent. James rose and opened the curtains to Sirius's bed. The sheets were twisted but empty. James knew that Remus was absent; the full moon always stole him. James didn't know why. He supposed Remus was plagued by the same dreams as he was every lunar cycle, and wandered around the grounds as he planned to do.  
  
He slipped his shoes on silently, and padded down the stairs. The common room was cold and empty, the remnants of a Gobstone game resting on the table.  
  
He didn't want to bother with the Invisibility Cloak. He had the suspicion Sirius was under it. James knew the secret passageways well enough. He wouldn't be found.   
  
He opened the portrait. The Fat Lady woke up. "What are you doing? You shouldn't be out of bed right now!" she chided.  
  
James winked at her. "No telling?"  
  
"You're lucky you're so charming," she said.  
  
"Did Sirius leave tonight?"  
  
"I don't remember," she said. "He and Lupin went to the Library and a big group came back. I think he was with them."  
  
"Thanks," James said. She hadn't given him the right answer, but it did tell him something. Wherever Sirius was, Remus was with him. 


	2. Overwhelming

II. OVERWHELMING  
  
Sirius stole back into the castle around midnight. He felt guilty for taking James's cloak, but he danced beneath it from joy. He loved Remus, could remember their first sparse words the werewolf had said to him...  
  
Sirius was unpacking his trunk, frightened out of his skull by this school but unwilling to show it. There were three other people in their first-year dorm: a lanky, tousle-haired boy named James Potter; a plump, small-eyed boy named Peter Pettigrew; and the ashen-faced boy he had yet to meet.  
  
He approached the boy slowly, then stuck out his hand. "Sirius Black," he said.  
  
The waxen-faced boy glanced at him, caught Sirius's eye, and looked away. "Remus Lupin," he whispered with a quick handshake.  
  
"Nervous?"  
  
"I'm all right," Remus said, a muscle twitching in his cheek. Sirius sighed. The boy looked at him: their eyes intertwined. Sirius thought he could see to the depths of the ocean in Remus's eyes.  
  
Lupin would say that their first meeting wasn't quite as auspicious as Sirius would make it out to be. He remembered being frightened of the slightest shadow in the dormitory, and Sirius was clearly larger than a shadow.  
  
"From our first meeting," Remus would say, the edges of a laugh caught in his voice," I was overwhelmed."  
  
***  
  
James collided with the invisible figure. "Damn it," he murmured. "Sirius, is that you?"  
  
Sirius's head, then torso, then legs became visible. His face was red but he grinned broadly. "Sorry."  
  
"You about killed me," James said, folding his cloak over his arm, which seemed to disappear. "Why are you wandering around so late at night?"  
  
"Why are you?" questioned Sirius. He squirmed. If James knew...  
  
"Can't sleep," James said.  
  
"Me either," Sirius said quickly.  
  
"Okay," James said slowly. "Let's head back to the common. Where's Remus?"  
  
"I don't know!" Sirius said. "Why are you asking me? I'm not his keeper."  
  
"Don't get so defensive. I was only asking." James's eyes glittered. "You act like you've got some big secret."  
  
"Well, I don't," Sirius said.  
  
James sputtered a laugh. "Could've fooled me."  
  
***  
  
When Remus returned to school, his health seemed to be waning like the moon. Sirius was so concerned he forced Remus into visiting the hospital wing.   
  
The nurse took his temperature. "Normal," she said. "How do you feel?"  
  
"I'm okay," Remus whispered.  
  
"You look like crap," Sirius said.  
  
"Take this potion," she said, shoving a goblet of Pepper-Up Potion towards the boy. Remus, with a grimace towards Sirius, drank it with difficulty. The potion caused Remus to smoke between the ears. He looked like a burning haystack.  
  
Sirius laughed. "I like that look on you."  
  
"Shut it," Remus said, smirking. 


	3. Too Quick To Be Seen

III. TOO QUICK TO BE SEEN  
  
  
  
Potions, as usual, was horrid. Sirius chopped a mandrake root gingerly. James watched him. "You're chopping it too fine," he said.  
  
"Why don't you do it then?" snapped Sirius. His forehead dripped sweat. Lupin, his face flushed from the heat of the dungeon, looked over.  
  
"Calm down, Sirius. What's wrong?" he said, soothing the restless boy with his voice. James's eyes clouded with his now-endless confusion of the relationship between Sirius and Lupin.  
  
"I'm nervous," Sirius said.  
  
"Really?" James quipped.  
  
"Why?" Remus asked.  
  
"Why do you think?" said Sirius, panicking.  
  
"Is there something I need to know?" James said.  
  
"Shut up, James!" Sirius cried.  
  
"Mr. Black!" the Professor said called. "Will you keep your exclamations to yourself?"  
  
"Sorry, sir," Sirius mumbled.  
  
"James," Lupin said, "do you like me?"  
  
"Yeah. Why wouldn't I?"  
  
"Just as a friend?"  
  
"Of course. What do you mean?"  
  
"Well, I like Sirius. As more than a friend. And he likes me, too," Remus whispered. "Just thought you should know."  
  
***  
  
Sirius pulled back the curtain to Remus's bed. "Can't sleep," he told the werewolf.  
  
"Come here," Lupin said, opening his sheets. "Lie with me."  
  
Sirius slipped into his arms. "How did I get so lucky as to have you?"  
  
"You didn't have to be lucky," Remus whispered into Sirius's neck. Sirius turned his face to meet Lupin's; they kissed slowly, tenderly, as if it was the first time.  
  
Sirius kneaded Remus's flesh. Lupin, in turn, bit and kissed his lover. The night passed in rosy flashes, until early morning, when Sirius crawled back into his own bed. He slept until breakfast.  
  
***  
  
Peter sipped his pumpkin juice suspiciously. Sirius and Lupin had been acting strange lately; he didn't know exactly why, but they always seemed to have something to say to each other, or another exclusive joke. The air around them seemed charged, as if lightning flashed between the pair. James knew why; James's quiet discomfort at being left out of the sudden bonding had eased.  
  
Peter woke from his thought as James said, "So, ready for McGonagall this afternoon?"  
  
"I'm never ready," Sirius said, pausing. "For her, at least."  
  
Remus smiled.  
  
James blushed and ran his fingers through his hair as Lily Evans walked by. He regained his usual smug calm and called out, "Morning, Evans!" She did not seen to take notice, only shook her head briefly, causing her auburn hair to shimmer.  
  
"Well, she likes you well enough," Sirius said sarcastically.  
  
"Don't be cheeky," Remus said. Sirius promptly laughed.  
  
"I'll be cheeky with whom I want."  
  
"Is that so?"  
  
"Why don't both of you shut up?" James said, grumbling. "I've been after Evans for this whole year. Why hasn't she noticed?"  
  
"Maybe she has," Sirius said, "and she just doesn't want to put up with you as a boyfriend."  
  
"Sirius," Remus chided.  
  
"I'm going to the library," Peter said. "See you later."  
  
"Bye," the three said.  
  
As Peter walked away, Remus bit into his bacon sandwich and said, "What's his problem?"  
  
"Dunno," James said. He added in an undertone, "Have you guys told him yet?"  
  
"No," Sirius said.  
  
"Then that's it," James said.  
  
"What do you mean?  
  
"Well, if you're around the two of you a lot, which he is, you notice it."  
  
"We don't do anything in public," Sirius said, slightly offended.  
  
"We do," Remus said. "You look at me, don't you? And we love each other...it's obvious when two people are in love. You all right, James?"  
  
James looked up. "No. It's weird," he whispered. "But I'm getting used to it. The two of you make sense. It's natural, I suppose, to think of you two together. But it's still weird."  
  
Sirius smiled at Remus and quickly darted his fingers against Lupin's thigh, too quick, he thought, to be noticed by anyone else.  
  
Unless you were Severus Snape, three tables over, who had been watching this Sirius-Remus spectacle since the beginning of breakfast. 


	4. Starlit

IV. STAR-LIT  
  
Snape stored memories in his head like a filing cabinet; almost every memory he had was as clear as a picture. And he remembered what he had saw this morning.  
  
It disgusted him. He hated Black. In the past, before he had joined up with Potter's group, Snape had liked Lupin. Now the lines were starkly drawn.  
  
Snape's father had been like them. It had caused his mother and himself many years of misery. Snape wouldn't forgive his father for that.  
  
He idly wondered if Potter's whole group was gay. It was an entertaining thought. Were there orgies constantly going on in the Gryffindor dorm? They were never away from each other. But James, as usual, was clawing for that Evans girl.  
  
He sucked on his quill tip. He would watch Lupin and Black. He would catch them. And then he would inform the whole school of their relationship.  
  
***  
  
"Lily," James said. "What are you doing the next Hogsmeade weekend?"  
  
"Not anything with you," she said.  
  
Remus was the one silently backing up James in this asking out process. He felt the burn in his own heart. He wished he could see Sirius right now. But James's matter was more important.  
  
James awkwardly stared at his cumbersome feet. "Are you joking?" he murmured, groping for anything he could classify as hope.  
  
She gave him a softer look. It seemed like she might apologize, but her lush mouth formed an ugly line and her gaze hardened. James cringed slightly, but she didn't notice.  
  
"You," Lily began, "are nothing but a show-off, James Potter. You are overconfident and lazy. You aren't good looking, either, despite your belief. Why would I be joking?"  
  
And she exited with a slight swish of her robes.  
  
They stood there, James's eyes drenched. James was going to cry any moment. "Shit," Lupin said, pacing slightly while James leaned against the wall, glaring at a tapestry of trolls in tutus, willing himself not to cry. "We need somewhere for you to go."  
  
A handle appeared next to James's waist. Lupin quickly opened it, wondering why a classroom had appeared quite suddenly, but not giving it much further thought.  
  
The room was dimly lit and squat cushions sat opposite an ornate, velvet-upholstered fainting couch. When Lupin closed the door, a sign on the back of it stated:  
  
  
  
"This area is silenced.  
  
You cannot be watched;  
  
No one can enter from the outside  
  
Unless they know the password."  
  
"Well, what good is that? I don't know the password," Lupin said. He startled; he knew it. The password was tungsten. He would remember it if he needed to come here later...  
  
James laid down on the couch. The ceiling was painted with the galaxies. A faint sweet smell of incense surrounded the pair.  
  
"I don't ever cry," James said.  
  
"Really?" asked Lupin.  
  
"You made too big a deal over it. I'm fine."  
  
"No, you're not."  
  
James's cheeks were damp. "Damn it, Remus! What did I do wrong?"  
  
"I don't know, I really don't," Lupin said.  
  
A box of tissues appeared near Lupin's knee on a table. He sat on one of the cushions and handed James the box.  
  
He cried for the first time with an audience.  
  
***  
  
Sirius and Remus wandered the forest and ground at nights together, usually a few days before the full moon, when Remus was restless.  
  
The trees seemed to speak their names. "What's going to happen when we graduate?" Sirius asked, pulling back his hair into a loose ponytail.  
  
"We could go to the Pyrenees mountains, or to the Alps, or Ireland. Anywhere we wanted to go, really," Remus said, sitting behind a particularly large tree, surrounded by Sirius's body.  
  
"I want to go to Brazil," Sirius said. "I want to go during our winter and be dreadfully hot there."  
  
"I don't care where we go," Lupin said, "as long as I'm with you."  
  
Sirius kissed Lupin. They slowly undressed with practiced hands; the night was cool on their skin. Their legs and arms and lips entwined; they were as close to being a single breathing person as they thought they could ever be. Their love was star-lit. 


	5. Personal Vendettas

V. PERSONAL VENDETTAS  
  
"Mimblewhimble," Sirius said to the Fat Lady.  
  
"What are you two doing out so late?" she questioned, yawning.  
  
Sirius grinned. "Research."  
  
"It's a good night to see the moon," Remus told her.  
  
"Very well," she said in a mock patronizing tone. She swung open.  
  
James was reading in the common room. "What are you doing up?" Lupin asked.  
  
"Homework," James said. "I'm trying to pass Transfiguration."  
  
"You need any help?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Like you could give me any. Your grades are worse than mine."  
  
"True."  
  
Lupin smiled. "At least you aren't taking Muggle Studies."  
  
"I wish I was," Sirius said, "'cause it's an easy class."  
  
"No it isn't," Lupin retorted. "I had to write a four-foot parchment on electricity."  
  
"What?" James asked.  
  
"Never mind," said Lupin  
  
***  
  
Snape had Muggle Studies with Remus; his mother, a muggle-born, insisted that he know how to function in the Muggle world.  
  
Today, they were studying road signs. The professor, a tiny female Snape did not respect, droned on about Muggles' laws and regulations. Snape didn't care anything about Muggles.  
  
Snape glared at Lupin. He was asking questions such as "Why is a stop sign red?". Snape smirked. Lupin was such a pretty boy. Remus scribbled down notes with fervor. He clutched the arm of his robe nervously, gathering it and wrinkling it in his hand.  
  
Snape lazily raised his hand. "Do homosexual Muggles follow the same rules of society as regular Muggles?" he asked.  
  
"Beg your pardon?" The professor choked, her train of thought derailed.  
  
Severus stared at Lupin, whose face was grey. "You know...males who," he paused, giving a short derisive laugh, "who mate with other guys."  
  
"Yes, of course," the teacher said, "Why wouldn't they?"  
  
"Well, it isn't very well accepted among most wizarding communities," Snape said.  
  
The teacher sighed. "Mr. Snape, would you please keep your personal vendettas out of my classroom?"  
  
Snape watched Lupin. The boy had lost what little color he had. Lupin seemed to be shivering. "Yes ma'am," Severus droned.  
  
***  
  
"Snape bothered me in Muggle Studies today," Lupin said to James.  
  
Peter wiggled into the conversation. "What are you talking about? Why was he bothering you?"  
  
"Don't worry about it," James said shortly.  
  
"Fine," Peter said. He glared at the back of Lupin's ankles. "You're gay, aren't you?"  
  
Peter asked Remus.  
  
"What?" Lupin asked.  
  
"You..." Peter accused, "You and James!"  
  
James burst with laughter. "Me...and that moon-faced boy?" Lupin grinned shamefacedly. James gasped and whooped as Lily brushed past. James immediately stopped.  
  
Maybe James guessed it, but he thought he saw her smile.  
  
***  
  
Peter sulked. James, Lupin, Sirius, and he all sat in a circle in their dormitory. "I just don't get it," Peter said to Remus. "How could you love HIM?"  
  
"Hey!" Sirius declared. "I think I'm very handsome!"  
  
"That's your problem half the time," James said.  
  
Lupin glanced out the window. The moon had almost finished waxing.  
  
"Hey, Lupe," Peter said. "You awake?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"When did all of the start?" Peter asked.   
  
"About two months ago," Sirius said.  
  
"Wow. You kept it a secret that long?" Peter quipped oily.  
  
"From you, yes," replied Sirius.  
  
"Does anyone else know?" James asked.  
  
"Don't think so," Sirius said, leaning back and gazing out the window as well.  
  
Lupin thought about what Severus had said today in Muggle Studies. It was odd, but he decided not to dwell on it. 


End file.
